The Order of the Phoenix

Chapters 1-3: Dudley Demented, A Peck of Owls, & The Advance Guard — Harry is isolated at the Dursleys all summer as he waits to hear news, any news, of Voldemort’s activities. His isolation is interrupted when a Dementor attacks he and Dudley, and the night ends with one million owls invading, and Harry in danger of being expelled from Hogwarts. Finally, Harry is picked up by a group of wizards, including the real Moody, who take him to a secret location in London. Plus also: Mrs. Figg is a squib! “Enough effing owls!” And introducing: Tonks! (“This One Is My Favorite” — December 18th, Charlene)

Chapters 4-6: Number Twelve Grimmauld Place, The Order of the Phoenix, & The Noble and Most Ancient House of Black —  In which we are introduced to the Order of the Phoenix, an organization headed up by Dumbledore and dedicated to fighting Voldemort, and in which we also are introduced to the headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix, and Harry’s massive teenaged temper. Plus also: Dumbledore is giving Harry the literal silent treatment, Fred and George invented Extendable Ears, and Sirius’s family are siriusly a bunch of wizard racists. (“The Kreacher From the Black’s Spare Room” — December 20th, Dan)

Chapters 7-9: The Ministry of Magic, The Hearing, & The Woes of Mrs. Weasley —  Mr. Weasley takes Harry to the Ministry of Magic for his underage magic hearing, where he is tried and almost convicted by the full Wizengamot. Dumbledore, still not speaking to Harry, manages to get him acquitted. Then to top off his excellent day, Harry learns he wasn’t made a prefect, and Ron and Hermione were. Plus also: Fudge is an idiot! Umbridge is a toad! Mrs. Weasley is sad! (“Even Wizards Get a Case of the Mondays” — December 23rd, Hannah)

Chapters 10-11: Luna Lovegood & The Sorting Hat’s New Song— Harry’s return to Hogwarts is marked by differences: no Ron and Hermione on the train due to prefect duty, Neville’s plant squirting everyone with stinksap, scary horse things pulling the carriages to the castle, and Luna Lovegood on the train. And then the Sorting Hat goes rogue. And Hagrid is missing. And Seamus hates Harry because of reasons. AND UMBRIDGE IS THERE. It’s good times. Plus also: Stubby Boardman! Mimbulus Mimbletonia! Professor Grubbly-Plank! (“Happy Christmas, Harry.” “Happy Christmas, Ron.” — December 25th, Gretchen)

Chapters 12-13: Professor Umbridge & Detention With Dolores — Let’s get real here: Umbridge is the worst person in the universe. I don’t even want to go into details because I’ll just get mad and destroy my laptop.  (“The Pink-Clad Kitten-Loving Devil Incarnate” — December 27th, Jen)

Chapters 14-15: Percy and Padfoot & The Hogwarts High Inquisitor — The trio meets with Sirius, who is hiding in a cave above Hogsmeade, probably eating rats. The ministry knows he had been hiding out in London, so he’s got to be extra careful. So do the Trio, because the Ministry is taking further control of Hogwarts through Umbridge, who is actively refusing to teach them anything worth know, according to Sirius, because Fudge is afraid Dumbledore is trying to train an army to overthrow him. (!) Ron and Hermione try to convince Harry that he should teach everyone instead, so they don’t fail their O.W.L.s. Plus also: Harry and Cho finally manage to flirt successfully, Ron and Harry play lots of Quidditch, and Hermione says ‘Voldemort’ for the first time. (“Cross the Umbridge, Pay the Toll” — December 30th, Valerie Anne)

Chapters 16-17: In The Hog’s Head & Educational Decree Number Twenty-Four — Harry agrees to teach a group of select students Defense Against the Dark Arts, and in response to their not so secret meeting forming the group, Umbridge disbands all student groups not approved specifically by her. Plus also: Harry still has the hots for Cho, Cho has the hots for Harry right back, and Ginny is dating Michael Corner, that shifty weasel. (“For Every Overreaction, There is an Equal and Opposite Overreaction” — January 1st, Ashley)

Chapters 18-19: Dumbledore’s Army & The Lion and the Serpent — Harry is happy being all rebellious and shit, teaching kids illegal important magics under Umbridge’s nose. But then Umbridge totally suspends Harry and the Weasley twins from Quidditch. FOREVER. I can’t even. Plus also: Hermione knits a million hats. Luna has a roaring Lion hat. WEASLEY IS OUR KING. (“Hope Is a Candle; Reality, a Harsh Wind To Snuff It” — January 3rd, Matt)

Chapters 20-21: Hagrid’s Tale & The Eye of the Snake — Hagrid returns from his blatantly obvious secret mission to the giants and refuses to explain why he’s late or why he’s got a huge black eye and cuts all over his face. Umbridge, the cow, pounces immediately. It’s clear Hagrid will very soon be out of a job if she has anything to do with it. Plus also: Giants are super into murder! Thestrals! Cho cries about Cedric and then makes out with Harry! (“On That Day, Wizardkind Received a Grim Reminder” — January 6th, Kevin)

Chapters 22-23: St. Mungo’s Hospital For Magical Injuries and Maladies & Christmas on the Closed Ward — Mr. Weasley is attacked by Voldemort’s shnasty ginormous snake, but is saved because Harry saw the whole thing in his dreams. Harry stays with the Weasleys over Christmas and they visit Mr. Weasley in St. Mungo’s, where they also run into Neville’s parents and their old friend, Gilderoy Lockhart. Plus also: Ron doesn’t have spattergroit. Lockhart can do joined up writing now. Harry is very worried that HE is the weapon Voldemort is looking for. (“In Which I Cry A Lot” — January 8th, Cassandra)

Chapters 24-25: Occlumency & The Beetle at Bay — Voldemort’s clear avenue into Harry’s mind prompts Dumbledore to make Harry take Occlumency lessons. With Snape. It goes horribly. Snape is bad at teaching, and Harry is bad at Occlumency. Then Harry goes out and, as Lindsay says, has the worst date in the history of the world with Cho, so that’s over. Plus also: Sirius feels trapped in Grimmauld Place. Madam Puddifoot’s sounds awful. Rita Skeeter does Hermione’s bidding. (“Worst Date in the History of the World” — January 10th, Lindsay)

Chapters 26-27: Seen and Unforeseen & The Centaur and the Sneak — Harry’s interview with Rita Skeeter is published in The Quibbler, which makes toadface hopping mad. She bans the magazine, thus insuring everyone within Hogwarts would read it. Later, Marietta Edgecombe snitches on Dumbledore’s Army and Dumbledore takes the fall, fleeing the castle. Plus also: Umbridge sacks Trelawney, Dumbledore hires Firenze the centaur in her place, and Ginny is surprisingly great at Quidditch.  (“Gotta Dance!” — January 13th, Kat)

Chapters 28-29: Snape’s Worst Memory & Careers Advice — Harry accidentally on purpose finally manages to see the memory that Snape has been hiding from him, and it’s to do with his dad actually being a bullying toe-rag. Then Harry decides he wants to be an Auror and McGonagall tells him she’ll help him in the best confrontation between her and Umbridge yet. Plus also: Snape stops Harry’s occlumency lessons, Harry contacts Sirius through Umbridge’s fire, and Fred and George escape from Hogwarts. (“School’s Out Forever” — January 15th, Alyssa)

Chapters 30-31: Grawp & OWLS — Hagrid introduces Harry and Hermione to his little brother Grawp, who is a giant. It’s OWL time for the fifth years, and it’s driving them all mad. But just as he’s finishing his last OWL, Harry collapses into a vision of Voldemort torturing Sirius in the Department of Mysteries. Plus also: Weasley is our king, he did not let the Quaffle in. Umbridge sacks Hagrid. Harry passes his Defense Against the Dark Arts OWL like a boss. (“Everybody Knows ‘T’ Stands For Troll” — January 17th, Ashley)

Chapters 32-33: Out of the Fire & Fight and Flight — Harry becomes convinced he needs to go to the Ministry and save Sirius, despite Hermione’s warning that it could be a trap. Hermione gets rid of Umbridge by leading her to the Forbidden Forest, where the Centaurs “take care of her.” The Trio plus Ginny, Neville, and Luna then fly to London on Thestrals. Plus also: Hermione is the boss, Ginny casts a mean bat-bogey hex, and seriously, Umbridge is carted away into the Forest by Centaurs. (“Divide the House” — January 20th, Matt)

Chapters 34-36: The Department of Mysteries, Beyond the Veil, & The Only One He Ever Feared — Shit goes DOWN in the Department of Mysteries. Plus also: “STUBEFY! STUBEFY! STUBEFY!” “Hey Harry, there are brains in here, ha ha ha, isn’t that weird, Harry?” Oh, and DUMBLEDORE FIGHTS VOLDEMORT. (“Surviving the Battle of the Department of Mysteries” — January 22nd, Charlene)

Chapters 37-38: The Lost Prophecy & The Second War Begins — Voldemort has returned, and everybody knows it now. Dumbledore finally tells Harry why he’s been avoiding him all year, and just exactly why he couldn’t bring himself to tell him the whole story, re: him and Voldemort. Plus also: “By all means continue destroying my possessions. I daresay I have too many.” (“Someone Punched Me in the Grief Bone” — January 24th, Jennie)

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