The Goblet of Fire

Chapters 1-2: The Riddle House & The Scar — Harry’s fourth year at Hogwarts begins with a chapter where Voldemort murders an old Muggle and is a giant scabby baby. Harry sees the whole thing via dream and wakes up screaming. Plus also: Tom Riddle backstory! Nagini! Dudley is on a diet! (“And Now For Something Completely Different” — November 8th, Ashley)

Chapters 3-4: The Invitation & Back to the Burrow — The Weasleys come to collect Harry from the Dursleys, and chaos ensues. Plus also: Dudley is a young killer whale, Mrs. Weasley doesn’t understand about postage stamps, and Fred and George deploy their Ton-Tonge Toffees on an unsuspecting target. (“A Study in Ginger” — November 11th, Kevin)

Chapters 5-7: Weasley’s Wizard Wheezes, The Portkey, Bagman & Crouch — Harry attends the Quidditch World Cup with the Weasleys, and all sorts of shenanigans happen (and that’s before all the OTHER sorts of shenanigans that will happen later — just, lots of shenanigans is what I’m saying). Plus also: Portkeys are weird, Cedric Diggory is a perfect human specimen, and there are memory charms all over the place. (“Wizard Ignorance is Wizard Bliss” — November 13th, Matt)

Chapters 8-9: The Quidditch World Cup & The Dark Mark — It’s Bulgaria vs. Ireland at the Quidditch World Cup, which is a giant event that I would basically kill to go to. But after the match, everyone’s woken up when these fools called Death Eaters levitate some muggles into the air. And as if that wasn’t bad enough, someone else sends up Voldemort’s sign into the air with Harry’s stolen wand, which scares the pants off the Death Eaters. Plus also: Veelas! Viktor Krum! Winky the house elf! (“Shit Gets Real (Terrifying)” — November 15th, Jennie)

Chapters 10-11: Mayhem at the Ministry & Aboard the Hogwarts Express — Mrs. Weasley is basically just glad no one died at the Quidditch World Cup, and then it’s back to Hogwarts. Lots of foreshadowing in here, though, so pay attention!Plus also: Percy’s cauldron bottoms, Ron’s dress robes, and Mad-Eye Moody’s exploding dustbins. (“Things Happen and Stuff” — November 18th, Jen)

Chapters 12-14: The Triwizard Tournament, Mad-Eye Moody, & The Unforgivable Curses — The big event everyone was talking about turns out to be the Triwizard Tournament, which will bring together students from Hogwarts, Beauxbatons, and Durmstrang in the spirit of magical cooperation (and competition). And in the spirit of winning a giant cup and thousands of Galleons in prize money. Also, Mad-Eye Moody is the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, and that means serious business. Plus also: Moody turns Malfoy into a ferret! CONSTANT VIGILANCE! S.P.E.W.! (“The Moody Blues” — November 20th, Gretchen)

Chapters 15-16: Beauxbatons and Durmstrang & The Goblet of Fire — Students from two other wizarding schools come to visit, and they will be staying at Hogwarts all year for the Tournament. Everyone wants to be their school’s champion, but only seventeen year olds need apply. Guess whose name comes out of the Goblet of Fire anyway? Plus also: Ron lurrrves Viktor Krum, everybody has crushes on everybody, Fred and George have magnificent beards. (“In Which Ron Loses His Shit” — November 22nd, Lindsay)

Chapters 17-19: The Four Champions, The Weighing of the Wands, & The Hungarian Horntail — Everybody thinks Harry cheated to get his name in the Goblet of Fire, even Ron, so Harry is MISERABLE. Then that miserable cow Rita Skeeter gets ahold of him and writes lies about him in The Daily Prophet that just make everything so much worse. AND THEN THE FIRST CHALLENGE IS DRAGONS. Plus also: Ron and Harry’s first fight! Ollivander returns! Hagrid loves Madame Maxime! (“It’s Kind Of Like The Wizarding Olympics Except With More Cheating So It’s Really Like The Wizarding Tour de France” — November 25th, Charlene)

Chapters 20-21: The First Task & The House-Elf Liberation Front — The Harry and Ron Cold War of 1994 ends when Harry has to go up against a dragon for the first task and Ron makes the brilliant deduction that somebody must be trying to kill Harry, because gosh that was dangerous. Also, Hermione discovers that Dobby and Winky are now working in the school kitchens, thanks to Dumbledore. Plus also: Accio Firebolt! Hermione doesn’t understand boys! Dumbledore tells Dobby he can call him a barmy old codger! (“I Will Take What is Mine With Firebolts and Angst” — November 27th, Cassandra)

Chapters 22-23: The Unexpected Task & The Yule Ball — In the middle of worrying about everything else, Ron and Harry suddenly have to find dates to the Yule Ball, and it is the worst thing that has ever happened to them. Plus also: Ron finally spots Hermione’s a girl, Ron is jealous, Ron doesn’t understand girls at all. (“MY BAD.” — November 29th, Kat)

Chapters 24-25: Rita Skeeter’s Scoop & The Egg and The Eye — Rita Skeeter goes from bad to worse when she outs Hagrid as a half-giant, and he becomes so ashamed he refuses to teach classes and locks himself in his cabin.  Later, Harry finally follows up on Cedric’s clue, taking the golden egg into the Prefect’s bathroom, where taking a bath with Moaning Myrtle and a stained glass mermaid leads him to realize the second task will be under the lake. Plus also: Unicorns! Professor Grubbly-Plank! Moaning Myrtle is a perv! (“Adults are the Worst” — December 2nd, Valerie Anne)

Chapters 26-27: The Second Task & Padfoot Returns — Harry manages to pull through the second task by the skin of his teeth, largely through help from Dobby, of all people. Meanwhile, concerning rumors bring Sirius back to Hogsmeade to hide out in a cave. Plus also: Hermione is Krum’s thing he’ll miss most, while Ron is Harry’s, and Sirius has been eating rats, that’s how much he loves Harry. (“Let’s Connect Some Dots” — December 4th, Matt)

Chapters 28-29: The Madness of Mr. Crouch & The Dream — Winky is drunk, and Mr. Crouch has gone mad. Then he disappears. Plus also: Hate mail for Hermione, Krum loves Hermione, Moody thinks Hermione should be an Auror. (“I think I Just Invented Goblin Porn” — December 6th, Dan)

Chapters 30-32: The Pensieve, The Third Task, & Flesh, Blood, and Bone —  The third task arrives and Harry, taking the cup with Cedric, is portkeyed to a graveyard where Cedric is murdered and Voldemort returns. Plus also: the Pensieve, sphinxes, and Neville’s parents. (“Death Once Had a Near-Voldemort Experience” — December 9th, Alyssa)

Chapters 33-34: The Death Eaters & Priori Incantatem — So Voldy’s back and he calls all his friends to hang out in a graveyard and watch him whack at his Harry-shaped piñata. Harry decides he doesn’t like being a piñata and when they get into a fight . . . well I can’t joke about that. Plus also: Wormtail’s hand, Harry’s scar, Voldemort’s wand. (“Saved By a Hiddleston” — December 11th, Jennie)

Chapter 35: Veritaserum — As if having to watch Voldemort come back wasn’t bad enough, as soon as Harry returns to Hogwarts to find that his whole life is basically a conspiracy. Plus also: Moody is really Crouch Jr, everything is a lie. (“The Tenth Doctor Reads ‘Veritaserum'” — December 13th, Ashley)

Chapters 36-37: The Parting of the Ways & The Beginning — Cedric is dead, Voldemort is back, and the stage is set. Everything is different now. (“And You Were There, and You . . .” — December 16th, Kevin)

Legilimens!

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