The Deathly Hallows

Chapter 1: The Dark Lord Ascending — Welcome to the last first chapter of Harry Potter. It’s got lots of Voldemort gossiping about all our favorite people, and also murdering some people as well. And the little thing of taking over the Ministry of Magic. As Kevin points out, he’s an asshole. Plus also: Albino peacock! Lucius Malfoy is getting his just desserts! Charity Burbage sadface. (“Good Morning, Voldemort” — March 5th, Kevin)

Chapters 2-3: In Memoriam & The Dursleys Departing —  Harry prepares himself to go off on a Horcrux Adventure with Ron and Hermione, which involves throwing a bunch of shit away from his trunk.  Plus also: Elphias Doge was totally gay for Dumbledore, Harry sees a piercing blue eye in the broken shards of Sirius’s mirror, and Dudley and Harry come to terms. (“Dumbledore and Dudley” — March 7th, Alyssa)

Chapters 4-5: The Seven Potters & Fallen Warrior — The Order shows up at the Dursleys’ (newly Dursley free) to abscond with Harry, and with the wonder of Polyjuice Potion and seven volunteers, leave with seven identical Harrys. But even with their crack plan, the Death Eaters show up, and at the end, so does Voldy. Plus also: RIP Hedwig, George’s ear, and Sirius’s motorcycle. (“You Can’t Hurt Me, J.K., For I Am A Joss Whedon Fan” — March 10th, Dan)

Chapters 6-7: The Ghoul in Pajamas & The Will of Albus Dumbledore — The Trio prepare to leave The Burrow after Bill and Fleur’s wedding, and Harry has his 17th birthday. Scrimgeour shows up to give the Trio the items Dumbledore left them in his will, after having kept them waaaaaay too long. Plus also: Surprise Harry/Ginny makeouts, Ron has turned into teenage Casanova, and “I open at the close,” whatever that means . . . (“Are the Shades of the Ministry to be Thus Polluted?” — March 12th, Jennie)

Chapters 8-9: The Wedding & A Place to Hide — Fleur and Bill get married; the Ministry falls. The Trio goes on the run. Plus also: The return of Viktor “Vicky” Krum, Harry spends a night as a ginger, and introducing Xenophilius Lovegood as The Man in Yellow Wearing a Mysterious Necklace. (“Far From the Home I Love,” March 14th, Gretchen)

Chapters 10-11: Kreacher’s Tale & The Bribe — The Trio use their hiding out time in number 12 Grimmauld Place to plan the next steps of Journey: Horcrux. Which starts with realizing who RAB is, and what happened to his locket (answer: Kreacher). Plus also: Teenaged Sirius’ bedroom, Ron and Hermione holding hands, endless heartbreak. (“It’s Not Like We Can Feel Any Worse” — March 17th, Hannah)

Chapters 12-13: Magic is Might & The Muggle-Born Registration Commission — In order to divest Umbridge of her Horcrux, The Trio have to infiltrate The Ministry of Magic. Plus also: Harry is Undesirable No. 1, Umbridge was keeping Moody’s eye in her door, and their cover at Number 12 Grimmauld Place is now blown. (“Magic Mike” — March 19th, Lindsay)

Chapters 14-15: The Thief & The Goblin’s Revenge — CAMPING. And some other stuff. Plus also: Ron gets splinched, the sword of Gryffindor in Snape’s office is a fake, and the Horcrux eats Ron’s brain. (“Chillin in the Woods With My Homies” — March 21st, Matt)

Chapters 16-17: Godric’s Hollow & Bathilda’s Secret — Hermione gives in to Harry and agrees to visit Godric’s Hollow, the place where Harry was born, where Dumbledore and his family lived, the place where Harry’s parents died and Voldemort was ripped from his body. But instead of finding the sword, they find the dead body of Bathilda Bagshot being possessed by Nagini the snake. Plus also: The grave of Ignotus Peverell, a wreath of flowers, and Harry’s wand breaks in two. (“Why Did It Have To Be Snakes?” — March 24th, Alyssa)

Chapters 18-19: The Life and Lies of Albus Dumbledore & The Silver Doe — Rita Skeeter’s tell-all book about Dumbledore’s life tells Harry a bunch of things he doesn’t want to hear, including that he was BFF forever with Grindelwald, the guy he defeated in 1945. But then GOOD NEWS, EVERYONE, a silver doe leads Harry to the sword of Gryffindor frozen in a pond, and when the Horcrux around his neck tries to drown him, Ron saves the day like a boss. Plus also: Mysterious patronuses, tiny balls of light for Ron, and Hermione is soooo pissed at him. (“We Finish Each Other’s Sandwiches” — March 26th, Jen)

Chapters 20-21: Xenophilius Lovegood & The Tale of the Three Brothers — With Ron back and one Horcrux destroyed, the Quest is officially back on (even if Hermione is a little grumpy with Ron). In an attempt to find what Dumbledore was pointing them to with the gift of The Tales of Beedle the Bard, the Trio visits Xenophilius Lovegood, where they learn about the quest for the Deathly Hallows. But the Death Eaters have taken Luna, and Lovegood is willing to trade them for his daughter, so they end up fleeing for their lives. Plus also: Luna is the most adorable person ever, Voldemort’s name is Taboo, and Harry’s invisibility cloak might be a Hallow. (“I Made You a Fairy-tale, But It’s Sad So I’m Sorry” — March 28th, Ashley)

Chapters 22-23: The Deathly Hallows & Malfoy Manor — Harry is now obsessed with the Deathly Hallows, and deduces that Voldemort is after the Elder Wand when they hear that he’s out of the country while listening to a Potterwatch broadcast. Ron and Hermione do not share his obsession and continue to stress the search for the horcruxes. The chapter ends with Harry, the idiot, saying Voldemort’s name and invoking the Taboo. They are captured and taken to Malfoy Manor, where they find Ollivander and Luna being held prisoner. While Hermione is being tortured, Dobby risks his life to rescue them, and is killed in the process. Plus also: Bellatrix is the worst, RIP (or not) Peter Pettigrew, and Draco has a conscience? (“Hallows vs. Horcruxes, Round One” — March 31st, Gretchen)

Chapters 24-25: The Wandmaker & Shell Cottage — Harry buries Dobby without magic, and makes an important choice: Horcruxes, or Hallows? Once that decision is made, they approach Griphook and ask him to help them break into Gringotts, which he agrees to on a couple of conditions. Plus also: Ol’ Voldie officially possesses the Elder Wand; welcome to the world, Teddy Lupin; and “Here Lies Dobby, a Free Elf.” (“Goodbye to You” — April 2nd, Valerie Anne)

Chapters 26-27: Gringotts & The Final Hiding Place — The Trio breaks into Gringotts, and breaks out via dragon. After it dumps them in a lake, they realize Voldie knows someone’s been destroying Horcruxes, and they now have a limited amount of time to get to Hogwarts: Harry’s visions tell him that’s where the last Horcrux is, because of course it is. Plus also: Hermione dress up as Bellatrix Lestrange! Ron with a beard! Harry with nothing! (“Conversations With My Mother” — April 4th, Charlene)

Chapters 28-29: The Missing Mirror & The Lost Diadem — The Trio apparate into Hogsmeade and are immediately set upon by Snatchers. Aberforth Dumbledore hides them in the Hog’s Head (yes, your suspicions were confirmed, clever children), and Harry finally gets the whole story about their sister. He then sneaks them into Hogwarts via secret passage, where they find basically all their friends hiding in the Room of Requirement, and Harry enlists their help to find Ravenclaw’s lost diadem, it being the only magical item any of them can think would interest Voldemort for use as a Horcrux. Plus also: Aberforth’s Patronus is a goat (hee!), Neville is a badass, and we finally get to see Ravenclaw Tower. (“Exposition and Emotions” — April 7th, Cassandra)

Chapter 30: The Sacking of Severus Snape — To give Harry time to search for whatever, McGonagall kicks some major ass. Plus also: McGonagall seriously just kicks so much ass. I feel like you don’t believe me. (“Minerva McGonagall, HBIC” — April 9th, Kevin)

Chapter 31: The Battle of Hogwarts — The battle is waged. Ron and Hermione collect a bunch of basilisk fangs to destroy horcruxes with and a confrontation in the Room of Requirement while Harry searches for the diadem leads to the death of Crabbe and the destruction of a horcrux. And lest we get to joyful, Fred Weasley dies. It’s horrible. Plus also: Ron apparently has a great memory for Parseltongue, he finally gets the house elf thing, and he’s good for snogging! What a catch. (“Goodbye, Fred Weasley” — April 11th, Lindsay)

Chapter 32: The Elder Wand — Matt has a bone to pick with Severus Snape, who is murdered by Voldemort so he can become the master of the Elder Wand. It is a futile murder, because Voldemort lacks subtlety. His last act is to give Harry some memories. Plus also: It’s just a battle, man. People die and stuff. (“That Which Lies at the End of the Path” — April 14th, Matt)

Chapter 33: The Prince’s Tale — Snape’s memories tell Harry a tale. The big points: Dumbledore was dying from the curse that blackened his hand, so he told Snape to kill him when it was the time; Snape loved Lily his whole life; Harry is a motherfucking Horcrux. Plus also: Petunia wrote a letter to Dumbledore asking to go to Hogwarts, Snape and Lily grew apart when he started getting into dark magic, and yes, Harry has his mother’s eyes. (“The Half-Good Prince” — April 16th, Jennie)

Chapters 34-35: The Forest Again & King’s Cross — Harry contemplates his imminent death, giving himself up to Voldemort so the Horcrux living inside him will be destroyed. But the killing doesn’t work out so well for Voldemort, and they both end up an imaginary version of King’s Cross Station with the dearly departed Dumbledore, ready to give some answers. Plus also: Fuck you these chapters destroy me. (“Valar Morghulis” — April 18th, Ashley)

Chapter 36: The Flaw in the Plan — Harry and Voldemort have their final battle. Plus also: Harry is the master of the Elder Wand because he disarmed Malfoy ten chapters ago, Harry gets his wand back using the Elder Wand, and “Not my daughter, you bitch!” (“The Flaw in the Plan” — April 21st, Kat)

Epilogue: (April 30th, Ashley)

Legilimens!

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