The Goblet of Fire, Chapters 33-34: Saved By a Hiddleston

Hey, so I sort of ran out of time on this one. I’ve been sort of running out of time on a lot of things lately, or maybe it just feels that way because we’re so close to the end of the year. EITHER WAY, I’m posting this super late and NOT ONLY THAT, my post today is just a list. But lists are great! Right? I love lists so much. I make lists sometimes just so I can cross stuff off of them.

Anyway. The fun and games of the Triwizard Tournament are now far behind us because CEDRIC DIGGORY IS DEAD and the Dark Lord, he is arisen. THINGS ARE FUCKED.

CHAPTER 33: THE DEATH EATERS

Things That Are NOT OK:

1. Voldemort’s hands look like spiders. PALE spiders, which for some reason is even creepier than regular spiders. Also the description makes me think about Voldemort’s hands and how they can touch things now because HE IS RISEN.
2. We learn that Voldemort killed his father. Which…I guess is not a huge surprise since he killed so many other people but there’s just something about killing your family that’s so, I don’t know, RUDE.
3. A bunch of Death Eaters show up. He Crucios one of them as punishment for not trying to find him. Lucius Malfoy is there (SURPRISE) and he’s in charge of Muggle-torture, which is probably not something you really want to put on your resume but Luscious Malfoy does what he wants. And, you know, he’s like VP of Muggle-Torture, which is at least Head Muggle-Torturer In Charge. What other departments are there in CEO Voldemort’s company? Do you think there’s Death Eater HR and they’re in charge of recruiting Death Eaters and, like, writing Death Eaters up if they didn’t torture enough people that month?
4. There’s a spy at Hogwarts, someone who is responsible for getting Harry to Voldemort. Is it Snape? It’s Snape, right? It has to be Snape.
5. Voldemort can touch Harry (WITH HIS GROSS SPIDER HANDS) and it causes Harry great pain.
6. Voldemort killed Bertha Jorkins. This isn’t super upsetting because know her or anything but because Voldemort killed her when he was still in his gross, underdeveloped baby form. If he can kill Bertha and that old Muggle caretaker as a Voldefetus, how much damage is he going to be able to do now?
7. Voldemort Crucios Harry, then says he’s going to kill him in a fair fight. When I say fair fight, I mean, Voldemort is going to give Harry his wand back. It’s not REALLY a fair fight because Harry’s exhausted from YOU KNOW the tournament and watching his friend die and being tortured and stuff, but it’s not like you’d expect someone who calls himself The Dark Lord to be all that worried about being fair.

Things That Are OK:

NOTHING, NOTHING, NOT EVER AGAIN.

CHAPTER 34: PRIORI INCANTATEM

Things that are NOT OK:

1. Voldemort makes Harry duel him. He forces him to bow. Bow to death, he says. BOW TO DEATH. 😦
2. He uses Crucio and Imperio on Harry. Harry can finally fight back with Imperio, screaming, “I WON’T,” which causes Voldemort to be all, “I will teach you obedience,” and you just know that isn’t going to end well.
3. Harry runs and hides, because duh, who wouldn’t, but after Voldemort’s taunting, he decides he’s going to die fighting. Harry, a 14-year-old boy, believes he’s about to die and instead of hiding like most adults would, stands and faces THE FUCKING DARK LORD. Perhaps this is just practice for Book 7? (Oops, spoilers.)
4. Harry and Voldemort Expelliarmus and Avada Kedavra respectively. Something weird happens, though. Neither spell gets to the other, instead the wands create a crazy force field around the two. They’re stuck together, Death Eaters are circling, THINGS AREN’T OK.
5. Harry gets the upper hand for a moment, so things SEEM like they’re getting OK but they aren’t, not for my feelings, because a bunch of dead people come spilling out of Voldemort’s wand. The figures in question are those he last killed, that is…Cedric then Frank Bryce then Bertha Jorkins and then…
6. Just when I feel like my feelings can’t take anymore, Harry’s parents appear. They, along with the rest of the ghosties, are going to give Harry the time he needs to escape. This is the first time Harry has ever really spoken to his parents, right? I mean, he saw them in the albums Hagrid gave him and in the Mirror of Erised, but he’s never actually heard them speak? Other than his mother screaming and dying when the Dementors get close, that is. OH GOD YOU GUYS WHYYYY.
7. “Take my body back, will you? Take my body back to my parents.” 😦 😦 😦

Things That Are OK:

Harry gets away. He’s safe. My heart? Not so much.

Here are some animals GIFs to guide us through this difficult time:

 photo catboop_zps5694c1bd.gif

 photo dogtrampoline_zps14754efc.gif

 photo teenykitten_zps3a388fe6.gif

 photo pits_zpse682ade5.gif

 photo sheepheadbutt_zps40c290f8.gif

 photo catthief_zpsc5abd4bc.gif

 photo daschund_zps02564152.gif

And here’s Tom Hiddleston cuddling a puppy that you’re probably now pretending is you but it’s OK I won’t judge:

hiddleston puppy

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15 thoughts on “The Goblet of Fire, Chapters 33-34: Saved By a Hiddleston

  1. Gretchen Alice says:

    That cat looks SO guilty.

  2. Kat says:

    I think you should come visit on February 17. For reasons.

  3. Dan says:

    This is when I get back on board with Goblet of Fire.

    If the ghosts had more time, do you think they would have remarked on the fact that Harry has his mother’s eyes?

  4. Alyssa says:

    I love the list format. I’m pretty obsessive about lists, though.

    I want that picture of Hiddleston with the puppy framed on my wall.

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