The Goblet of Fire, Chapters 22-23: MY BAD.

I don’t know, maybe I was swept up in a pre-Thanksgiving haze, or maybe I was lulled into complacency when I didn’t have Chamber of Secrets chapters to cover, or maybe I got myself in way over my head following yet another drunken delusion (I’VE HAD SEVERAL DRINKS OF ALCOHOL! I’M MOTHERFUCKING WILLY WONKA!):

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But whatever was going on in my headspace the last several weeks, “Oh yeah, I have to write about Goblet of Fire” was definitely not on my to-do list.  What can I say; I’m an idiot.

CHAPTER 22: THE UNEXPECTED TASK

This is the chapter in which we finally get the answer to that age-old question: In a fight between a tin parrot and a rubber haddock, who would win?  The answer is ***SPOILER ALERT*** the tin parrot.  Phew!  Glad we got that settled.

I feel like there is no other chapter in the series that feels more like high school than this one.  It starts with Harry and Ron horsing around in the back of class, moves on to Lavender and Parvati giggling about the school dance, and wraps up with the sheer terror of having to ask a girl out on a date.  I mean, I assume asking a girl out on a date is terrifying; I’ve never actually asked a girl out on a date before.  Come to think of it, I was never actually asked out on a date myself until after I graduated from high school, so either I am a hideous troll or the prospect of asking me out on a date was really terrifying.

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Ehh… it could go either way, honestly.

Then there’s all that stuff at the end between Hermione and Ron that, honestly, I can’t get too worked up about.  Maybe you can?

CHAPTER 23: THE YULE BALL

And now it’s time for everyone’s favorite time of year at Hogwarts: Christmas!  Well, almost everyone; the only thing Fleur seems to enjoy is bitching about it all.  (Which is a bit rich, I think, as French food is… well, rich.  Last time I went to Paris I definitely did NOT fit into my dress robes after constantly eating baguettes and cheese and pate and OH MY GOD THE WINE.   Man, I’m planning the wrong vacation.)  But then Hermione makes everything better by calling Malfoy a “twitchy little ferret.”  She is perfection (now that she’s had her teeth fixed).

Dobby stops by for a visit on Christmas morning and it is so amazingly delightful to me how much Ron has taken a liking to the house elf.  I mean, it’s such a random little character quirk.  What can I say; I’m easily amused.

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See?

Basically, that’s almost exactly what happens at the Yule Ball itself.  Hermione shows up on the arm of Viktor Krum looking completely unlike herself, and suddenly Ron is all, “SMASH!”  Then Ron and Harry completely ignore their dates, who happen to be the “best-looking girls in the year,” and Parvati and Padma are all, “SMASH!”  Then Ron calls Hermione a traitor for going to the ball with Krum, and Hermione’s all, “SMASH!”  Then Snape catches some teenagers making out in a bush (TWSS) and he’s all, “SMASH!”  Then Harry notices a funny looking beetle crawling on a statue that he somehow doesn’t smash (you’d think after the spider incident he’d be really into squashing bugs, but you’d be wrong, apparently).  Then Hagrid accuses Madame Maxine of being part giant and she’s all, “PART GIANT SMASH!”  Then Cedric gives Harry the most incomprehensible clue about the next task EVER, and Harry’s all, “SMASH! BUT ABOUT THE CHO THING, NOT THE EGG THING, BUT SMASH THAT TOO!”  And then once again, for good measure, Hermione and Ron are all, “SIMULTANEOUS SMASH!”

And since this post is waaaaaaaaaay overdue as it is, I’m gonna be all, “SMASH!” and smash that publish button.

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9 thoughts on “The Goblet of Fire, Chapters 22-23: MY BAD.

  1. Kevin O'Shea says:

    Are those… Are those turtles that are ACTUALLY SHAPED LIKE TURTLES

  2. Jennie says:

    That SMASH bit was sheer perfection. As are you.

    Can you imagine if Harry had smashed that beetle? OMG SO FUCKED UP.

    • Jen says:

      Whoa. Is it murder if you didn’t know the bug was actually a person? Wizards probably have some sort of law for that.

      • Ashley says:

        Well, seeing as how Rita Skeeter is an illegal animagus, I don’t see how Harry could have been blamed. Also, how would anyone know? It’s not like she would turn back into a person after she died . . . or would she? This comment is turning out to be pretty morbid so I’m going to stop now.

        • Cindy says:

          What do you think happens to an animagus who is transformed when they die? Do they stay in their animagus form, or revert to their real selves?

  3. Jen says:

    And now I’m watching Kitty Godzilla knock over the Tokyo Tower over and over again.

  4. Samantha says:

    Lol I wish Harry would’ve SMASHED stupid Rita Skeeter

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